2nd Week

It’s been an interesting week. Nathan got hurt at school, and then was sent home Tuesday.

I got a phone call that morning. It was Nathan. He told me he fell down and skinned his hands and knees. Sounds like the one hand was a lot worse than the rest. He was pretty upset about it, so they let him call me. I talked to him for a bit, and he calmed down. He just needed mom.

Later, he fell behind in class, and started to get frustrated and upset. They said he threw a small piece of cardboard on the floor, and crawled under a table. He did not hurt anybody. Sounds like it was a mini-melt, not a full blown meltdown.

They called Dh at work. I have no idea why they called him and not me. Dh was glad to leave work because it was ungodly hot, and there is no airconditioning where he works. But we were both a little perturbed that I wasn’t called.

The school’s explanation to Dh was that they didn’t have my phone number. HUH?!? That’s odd, considering they called me on my cell phone numerous times the previous week, AND called early Tuesday morning. But somehow my phone number is no longer on any records at the school. (Uh huh. Gimme a frickin’ break. And all forms that have dh’s number on them, also have mine, and mine is listed as the primary contact number.)

Do you know how many forms I had to fill out for that school, listing emergency numbers and who is allowed to pick him up, and all that? My number must be on file at least six different places there. Work, home and cell. Let alone the fact that they have had me on speed dial for the past four years. And come on! THEY CALLED ME THAT MORNING!

I was also irritated that they sent him home. For what? For crawling under a table? If they’re going to send him home every time he does that, it’s going to be a long semester.

Then Dh gets him home and Nathan starts right in on homework. He did homework for nearly three hours before I finally had to stop it. (He was getting really frustrated.) He hadn’t been screwing around or dilly-dallying either. Hard work for three hours. That’s a lot for him, and it had me really worried. I will not have him doing homework all night again, every night. When they’ve done that to him before, the meltdowns increased in number and in severity. That’s just insane, to give that quantity of work to someone with autism.

I sent a note to the teacher, saying that he worked very hard, but he just couldn’t do any more. It wasn’t sent back home again the next day, and there was no response. I wonder what that means? Are they going to give him an F for the missing work? Or are they going to consider the homework assignment completed? I have no idea. Not much I can do about it. He just couldn’t do any more. Oh, and I gave her my phone numbers, too.

The next couple days improved. He didn’t have any more issues at school (that I know of). But Friday I received a call from the after-school caregivers. He got upset and went behind a door, and wouldn’t come out. They considered this a safety issue, since there was stuff behind that door that he could get hurt on, if he messed around with it. I asked if I could talk to him, if he would take the phone.

I couldn’t tell whether or not he had the phone. He wasn’t talking. So I just kept rambling on about how I needed him to calm down, take deep breaths, and come on kiddo, talk to me. Finally I got a grunt. Progress. It didn’t take long then, and I had him talking in one syllable answers. Then he got to short sentences. I talked him out from behind the door, and got him calmed down. He wouldn’t tell me what happened. He couldn’t communicate it. So I asked if some kid was giving him trouble. Yes. I told him to stick by the grown ups, and I would tell them that someone was giving him a hard time, and ask them to keep an eye out. Would that help? Yes. (Phew.) We talked a little longer and he gave the phone back to the caregiver.

She sounded relieved that I got him from behind the doors. (They divide the room in half, and there’s a lot he can get into on the wrong side.) She knew what had happened with the other kid, and would keep an eye out for him. I told her she could call any time. But I also warned her that sometimes, if he’s really upset and really angry, to be careful about giving him a phone because there is always the possibility that he could throw it. Hopefully, he won’t get to that point.

The homework sent home during the rest of the week was minimal. That was good. Too much homework is definately a dangerous thing.

I did finally send the “Nathan Handbook” to the teacher. I hadn’t finished going over it. The picture is still from last year, and it still had the note to the previous teacher in it. But I gave the new teacher a note and suggested that she read the first seven pages (about 15 minutes of reading), and hopefully this would give her some good info to help her right off the bat. Then I asked her to send the book back home with him this weekend, and I’d try to update it. I was thinking of adding a bit about perseveration, since that seems to be a real bone of contention with the school staff. Nathan tells me the teacher took the handbook home with her! Now that’s more than his last teacher did. A very good sign. I hope the book helps.

And I almost forgot! Good news! He got another perfect score on his spelling test! I love seeing that. I just hope he doesn’t expect that every time, because then he’ll get upset when he doesn’t get it. I try to tell him that it won’t matter if he doesn’t get 100%, that he tried very hard to do his best, and that’s all we want, that the score doesn’t matter. But I know how he gets with that perfectionism. I’ll have to keep reminding him.

I’ve been taking him to the bus stop every morning in my car. I’d be thrilled to let him walk to the bus stop on his own, but I don’t dare. There’s still that one boy that beats up his sister on the stop, and when I’m not there, he goes after Nathan as well. So I don’t give him the opportunity. His mother came with him and his sister on the first couple days. A lot of good that did. He went after his sister with his mother there, and the mom just got in between them, with the boy still swinging around her, trying to slug his sister. Good grief. This year, I’m keeping my camera in the car. Or my cell phone camera. If he’s going to beat her up every morning again, I’ll show the school exactly what’s happening. I’m so tired of this. (On a good note, their house is up for sale!! YIPPEE!! I hope it sells soon.)

This has been a slightly rocky start to the new school year. Much better than last year at this time, though. But so far we’ve had two injuries (the shoulder cut and the skinned hands and knees), one melt in the classroom, one hide-behind-the-doors in afterschool care. The good things were that the new teacher seems very nice and kind, so that will be helpful for Nathan. And she actually made an effort to read the book, which is more than the previous teachers have done. So that’s very good news. His bus driver is familiar with autism, and will be patient with him. And the bus stop bully may be moving – I’m keeping my fingers crossed. I guess at this point I’d say the first two weeks have been more good than bad. I hope the good will increase as Nathan gets used to the new routine, and knows what to expect. I sure hope so. And maybe, if they continue to resist restraining him, maybe he’ll get to trust this staff. I sure hope so. I want to trust them, too.

Summer Begins

Well, PT has been going well, I guess. I’ve got a lot more movement in my arm, and can even reach a little behind my back. Not much behind, but still an improvement. I still have the really bad pain when I lift up, out or behind, but it isn’t constant. The lesser pain has pretty much disappeared, like the constant throbbing. (I think that had more to do with the increase in arthritis drugs than PT, though, but I could be wrong.) I’ve got the use of my left arm back, which is very good. Before, I felt like it was a useless appendage, but now I can use it somewhat. So that helped. I must admit, however, that I’m a little disappointed that I haven’t seen more significant improvement. Maybe it’s just a matter of more time and therapy. Or maybe it’s not going to get much better. I’m not sure which. I go back to the orthopedic doc this week, so maybe I’ll get a better idea after that.

Nathan has had a meltdown at school. For some reason, they didn’t see fit to call me, and called Dh instead. Later, I found out from Nathan that he had been playing a card game in class with some kids at his table, and they started to make fun of him for losing. He got frustrated and lost it. The teacher asked Dh to find out what he got so upset about – they had no idea. I had to wonder why they didn’t know. The teacher said that she was with another student, and the para was not present either. Hm. How come? That para is his one-on-one aide. Perhaps she would have been able to stop the other kids from making fun of him and prevented the melt. She was not around when the game was being played. She should have been. I didn’t bother reporting back to the teacher why the melt occurred. They usually come to their own conclusions anyway, and don’t accept what I tell them. And when there was only a couple days left in school, explaining a meltdown seems a little useless anyway. Hell, if they haven’t figured out by now that he has a hard time with perfectionism and comptetition, they aren’t going to figure out. Sigh.

Nathan has been SO helpful around the house lately. He comes up and offers to help me do dishes, or put away laundry, or whatever. He’s even been doing yard work; weeding, trimming trees, mowing, etc. It’s been an enormous help to me, when I struggle with the shoulder pain. And it’s really neat to see him show empathy and concern for others. That’s a huge step up for him! I’m really proud of him.

He’s also been doing better in school. He is showing a lot more creativity when writing! I was so excited to see that. I knew he had it in him, because I’ve helped him to do creative writing assignments before. I usually had to help him get his ideas together or come up with a topic, or to help him get “unstuck” from writer’s block. He had great ideas, but he just didn’t seem to know what to do with them, to get them on the paper. So I’d ask him basic questions. (What kind of story do you want to tell? Oh, that sounds interesting! What do you want to happen? Okay, what’s going to happen first? How will you finish it? This is a really neat story; what do you want to call it?) He just needed a little confidence, I think. Some nudging. In his head, he thought he couldn’t write a story, or an essay. But once he found out that all he had to do is come up with an idea, and put it in some kind of order, he realized it wasn’t so hard after all.

He used to melt down when they gave him a writing assignment. Then he’d come home and we’d have the assignment done in no time. I wondered why the school had so much trouble with this? Couldn’t they see he was just scared? Lacking confidence? He just needed a little bit of guidance. Not even a lot. And here, we’d have FUN writing stories. Sometimes he was disappointed when I said it sounded like he had a good stopping point, and should end the story there. He wanted to just keep going. (Maybe Mom’s love of storytelling has gotten into his bones?) The teacher thought he was just being lazy, and trying to get out of work. But I knew better. Nathan is far from lazy when it comes to learning. He’s just kind of shy about some things. And that gets him frustrated. He wants to do it, but he doesn’t think he can, and this gets him very upset. Too bad this was lost on his teacher. She might have enjoyed the results as much as I do.

Nathan had a particularly bad day at school. His teacher said he wasn’t productive, and also refused to do a writing assignment, which she was sending home. When I read this in her email, I knew that when I got home from work, I’d be working with Nathan on that assignment. I can’t tell you how thrilled I was to get home and find out that he not only did the assignment (all by himself!), but it was a really cute story about what he would do if he was only an inch tall. It was all done, it was done independently, and it was entertaining. And he ENJOYED doing it! Now why couldn’t that have happened at school???

Thursday was the last full day of school. They go back on Monday for a couple hours, and then he is done for the year! HOORAY!!

I am so relieved to have him out of there for the summer. I try to be optimistic about next year, but it’s hard. I haven’t been impressed with the way the school deals with autism, that’s for sure. I hope he at least gets a patient teacher next year. Not one who rushes to (negative) judgement. That would help a lot.

I’m also not looking forward to the daycare situation for the summer. Next week will be stress free, with Grandma & Grandpa caring for him, and Dh taking time off of work for a couple days, too. But after that, back to public daycare. Yikes. I sure hope that goes well. Last year, it was up and down. He had a great one-on-one aide, that seemed to have a real good feel for when Nathan gets upset and how to combat that. No meltdowns! But they often weren’t very attentive, and Nathan got bullied a lot, and ignored by the staff at times. At one point, he decided enough was enough and tried to walk home. He nearly got to an incredibly busy street before the staff discovered that he was missing and went after him. I sure hope this new arrangement will be better than that. But I’ve lost my blind optimism when it comes to daycare.

But I’m still in a celebratory mood. No judgemental teachers for the summer! YIPPEEEE! No homework supervision! No IEP meetings! No threats of felony arrest for digital notetaking! Ahhhhhh, peace! At least for the next week.

A Spring Melt

Thursday was not a good day.

I got Nathan dressed up in his greaser outfit for the rock ‘n roll music program, and he went off to school as happy as could be. Then a couple hours later, I get a call from his teacher, who is PISSED OFF, and telling me that Nathan is in full blown meltdown mode, throwing things at the teachers and pinning teachers to the wall. Omg. I rushed right over. They had cleared the area, lecturing me about how ALL the other children had to stop learning because of MY son, and move across the room. Then, as Nathan became increasingly more aggressive, they had to remove the other kids entirely (this is the first time they have actually followed the IEP and removed the class!), and again lectured me about how ALL the other children had to stop learning because of MY son, and they had to leave the classroom, because of MY son.

Look, I know this is frustrating for the school, and very upsetting. But right then, I’d just driven halfway across town, scared to death that they were going to again restrain my son (and possibly hurt him, or worse), and I walk into the classroom completely clueless on what has happened, with my son in one corner of the room, his face pale, dark circles under his eyes, red blotchiness on his forehead and cheeks (indicating to me that he is extremely upset and possibly traumatized), hands in fists, with his teachers, para, and principal gathered in the complete opposite corner, looking like they plan to tell me Nathan’s being thrown out of school), and the LAST thing I need is to sit there and listen to accusatory lectures while I’m just trying to find out what the F*** has been going on and get to my son!

Finally, after finding out, yes he did pin a teacher, but what that means is that the para was sitting across from him at the table, and he pushed the table forward. She was not hurt or unable to get up, she had the table pushed into her. She had continued to try to talk to Nathan and work with him, as he pushed at the table. And yes, he threw something at a teacher. It was an empty water bottle, he threw at her back as she walked away, after she informed him that she was going to call me to come and get him (and he knew that meant he wouldn’t get to be in the music program). I don’t know if it hit her or not. Yeah, it was a very bad thing to do, but it was also becoming clear that no one was hurt, and this was not exactly the picture I was given over the telephone. At least that was a little better, he wasn’t throwing furniture as he had in the past, and he hadn’t hurt anybody. I stopped the teacher at that point and said I was going to go to Nathan and see if I could help calm him down.

Nathan was a mess. He looked absolutely hysterical, freaked out, growling. (The more upset he is, the more he loses the ability to communicate, until all he’s able to do is growl.) It took me a long time to get him out of the corner, get him to take his 2nd dose of meds, and finally start talking and calm down. (Btw, I never had to raise my voice, or grab him.) They brought in a lunch they saved for him (he was starved, which wouldn’t have helped his mood any). Within a half hour of my arrival, I had him calm, eating, and had even apologized to the para and the teacher, and thanked the para for saving him a lunch.

They weren’t kicking him out of school as I thought. They told me he could stay, if he could stay calm. They hinted that they would prefer it if I stay. (I was already sick as a dog with a cold, and had been just about ready to leave work anyway, so work had told me to just stay home when I left). But they would allow Nathan to be in the music program, both the dress rehearsal at 1:00 and the show at 7:00, as long as he was done with the meltdown. From the looks on their faces, and the fact that they were gathered in the corner whispering the whole time I was with Nathan, I thought for sure this was going to be bad news. And here, they were perfectly willing to let him go right back to the music program. (Which was great, by the way.)

From talking to Nathan later about the whole thing, none of it was handled very well. Nathan wasn’t focused all day, with the excitement of the music program, and couldn’t keep his mind on classes. I understood that, but the teacher did not. She was growing increasingly more irritated with his behavior as the day went on. She had sent him to another teacher’s room, to work on math at one point, and when he came back, he was behind the rest of the class. I wasn’t clear on if it was all from the visit to the teacher, or if Nathan just wasn’t getting anyting done at all, or both. So they told him he could catch up on what he missed, in school, or do it at home. This was after his whole class had been told that NO ONE had any homework that night because of the music program, and now he had homework. Stupid move. Anyway, Nathan started to get upset, so they told him he could either do that work he missed, or work on a math page along with the rest of the class. Well, Nathan thought since they were giving him a choice, he asked if he could work on his art project. They refused that, and in fact got angry about the suggestion, and said it was one or the other, math or language arts. But by now, he had his heart set on art, and he didn’t understand the refusal to allow it, and he didn’t understand the anger, and he started to lose it. The teacher said he just wanted to get out of the real work and do art. They said he just didn’t want to do any work, like he was just being lazy. Nathan got more upset. They tried some methods to calm him down, but they were trying them too late, and doing too little, so Nathan just kept getting more and more upset. Finally, the teacher insisted that he get the work done, or they would call me to come and get him, and he lost it completely.

I know the teachers don’t know what they did wrong. It’s not an easy thing to explain to them. They don’t realize that any time Nathan comes in and finds out that he is behind, that’s upsetting to him. And they don’t realize that you can’t tell him one moment that he has no homework, and then tell him now you do. He is fixed on the fact that there is no homework tonight. He happily and quickly did the EXTRA homework the night before, celebrating the fact that he would not have homework tonight – no one had homework tonight – and now that was being taken away. He couldn’t wrap his brain around that one. And he gets very upset that he often takes home more work than the other kids, even though the other kids don’t have to take it home because they did it in class. This concept doesn’t click with him: Homework is homework, regardless of why you get it, and it’s not fair that he has homework when no one else does. Now I understand that reasoning, but reasonably the teacher isn’t going to understand that. His mind works differently, and his reasoning is different. Had the teacher told him that he’d have homework to bring home on another day, he probably would have been able to wrap his brain around that. And to tell him he has to ‘do it or else’ only sets up a confrontational block, and he can’t cope with that either, and he resists further. I don’t have any trouble getting him to do any work. I try to emphasize the positives, and I sometimes throw a curve into it to make it a little more fun. I wouldn’t have shoved two papers at him and said “here pick one.” I would have tried to put more of a positive spin on it. “Which of these two assignments do you like the best?” Something like that. And if I still got resistance, I’d start trying to see if I could incorporate something he loves into the assignment. Is it a writing assignment? Can we toss in a little outer space? Dinosaurs? Is one of the assignments math? He loves math, and can do it quickly. Or we can make a game out of it using my spare coins. Is it to read a story? Let’s take turns reading, and I’ll use funny voices. Then, once he’s working on the one assignment, I’d tell him that the other assignment we’d save for another day, and pick a day I didn’t promise him NO HOMEWORK.

Nobody wants to deal with all that personalized work. No one wants to have to learn all his little nuances to make this flow smoothly. I understand that. It’s a lot of work. But even if you don’t want to bother figuring out how to get through to him, can’t you at least try to not get angry when he can’t do something? Can’t you not get confrontational, and draw a line in the sand? Maybe a little patience? A little more laid back approach? A little flexibility? A little creativity? And can you PLEASE not tell my son that he’s just being lazy? Or imply it? He’s not lazy, and he’s not resistant to school work. I can get him to do it just fine, without hassle, sometimes with a lot of fun! He loves to get the work done, and to get positive feedback on the work. He’s eager to please. And when you accuse him of being lazy, he is understandably offended by this, and is completely confused by it. (And it really pisses me off!) And please STOP promising him things like ‘no homework’ or ‘free time on the computer’ and then turn around and take it away from him! He can’t handle that. I mean really, when you tell him week after week that you’re taking away his free time on the computer, and week after week he has a complete meltdown when you do, can you explain to me why you keep doing it? Is it that you are so blind to the fact that this is happening over and over again? Or are you just trying to instigate something here? Sheesh. And same goes for homework. If you tell him he has no homework, and then you tell him he’ll take it home as homework, even though you promised no homework, is it such a shock that he got upset?

And when I get notes home that say Nathan had trouble getting something done on time today, but we didn’t send it home because he was being “respectful,” don’t expect me to believe that you aren’t using extra homework as a form of punishment. Even if that isn’t your intention, it sure as hell feels that way to Nathan. And it does to his parents, too.

I know none of this is easy. But I sure wish we didn’t have to make it harder. The meltdowns can be avoided. The confrontations can be avoided. It really doesn’t take that much. Even if you don’t understand how to avoid getting him upset, if you take a few minutes to find out what is bothering him and just try to be a little patient and maybe a little creative, you might find that you can avoid a lot of problems, and get a lot of work out of him. Willingly. Happily. Threats don’t work. Punishment doesn’t work. Removal, seclusion and restraint don’t work. Criticism and judgment don’t work. Drawing a line in the sand doesn’t work. All you have to do is find out what is at the root of the problem, when he balks. That’s it. Take care of whatever that little issue is, even if it requires a little creativity, and all the rest will fall into place easily. Some teachers have done it. And they thought he was a fantastic student. The ones that don’t want to bother think he’s something else entirely. But in the end, you control what kind of student he is for you. Not him. Not the autism. Not his parents. Not inflexible lesson plans. Just you.

Have a Heart

Did I tell you about Nathan’s daycare? 

I took him there for one of his school holidays.  It’s the same company that cares for him in after-school care, but this was at a different, larger location, with a lot more kids.  They called me up at work to tell me Nathan was having a meltdown, and was hitting at the caregivers.  We were to pick him up within a half hour.  I told them dh was on his way.

Afterwards, dh tells me that Nathan had been playing with Legos, and a kid tried to rip one out of his hands.  Nathan hung on, and the kid started to fight him for it.  They sent both boys to timeout.  Nathan refused to go.  So they grabbed him, and tried to drag him.  And Nathan flipped out.

Dh was irritated and told him that with his autism, he can’t handle being grabbed.  They said I never told them he had autism when I dropped him off!  (WTF???)  Dh argued that Nathan had been going there for YEARS, and we had filled out all kinds of medical history and stuff, and they said it didn’t matter, that I need to tell them every time I drop him off that he has autism!  They also said they weren’t about to read every medical record for every kid at that daycare. 

Oh, give me a frigging break!

(I’m thanking my lucky stars that Nathan doesn’t have a severe food allergy, or the consequences could be deadly…)

When I dropped Nathan off that morning, I was wearing my “I love someone with autism” lanyard, and my THREE autism awareness bracelets.  Even if they had missed that walking billboard, there were people at the daycare that work with Nathan every day at after-school care!  At one point, when I was dropping Nathan off, he was standing there looking lost, and I was suggesting things that they had left out for the kids to play with, trying to get him engaged in something before I left for work.  Nathan didn’t seem interested in anything out.  Then one of the caregivers jumps up and says, “I know what he’s looking for!  He loves the Legos!” and then scampered off to find the precious Legos for Nathan.  This was one of the caregivers from his after-school care program.

I guess they can remember that Nathan loves Legos, but forget that he has autism.  Go figure. 

Oh, and school has been frustrating again.  Big surprise. 

First thing that irritated me at school is the fact that they are trying to stop me from tape recording the IEP meetings.  (Hm.  Why?)  I’m going to tell them I’m taping the next meeting, in advance.  The next meeting is the IEP and his parent/teacher conference combined.  Dh won’t be there, so I need to tape it for him.  We’ll see if they have a problem with it again.  I have been checking into the legality of prohibiting me from taping.  I have found some interesting information.

Then, Nathan was sick last week.  I kept him home for three days, with a very high fever.  The first day I kept him home was the same day the behavior specialist was supposed to go observe him.  Rats.  I’ve been trying to get this scheduled for months, but something always goes wrong!  Anyway, I wrote the teacher to inform her that the behavior specialist was aware that Nathan was sick, and would be rescheduling, probably the following week.  The teacher refused to allow it until after March 17th, because of the ISAT tests!  Oh for crying out loud.  All the woman wants to do is observe him in his academic environment.  She doesn’t want to interfere.  But they tell me it’s against ISAT regulations.  I can’t find it in the ISAT regulations, but they insist it is.  I suspect I could push it, and demand that they show me exactly where it says that I can’t have a behavior expert observe him during the testing days, but I suppose it really isn’t worth pressing.  For one, it may be an actual regulation, and I just haven’t found it yet.  For two, I’m not even sure the specialist would want to observe him during the testing period.  It’s not exactly a regular ol’ day.  Maybe it’s better to wait. 

On the other hand, why are they not as anxious for this specialist to observe as I am???  I feel like they don’t want her to come.  Sigh.  Don’t they realize I’m trying to HELP this situation?  Don’t they want someone to help improve his behavior? 

Shoot.

And then Nathan had a rough day on Friday.  Go figure.  He’s still struggling with the flu.  He felt like crap.  And I’m sure they were really patient and understanding because of that.  (cough cough). 

The teacher called me up at work, and told me he was refusing to behave, he wouldn’t go to lunch, he wouldn’t go outside, he was angry, etc.  Great.  I asked if I could speak to him.  She refused at first, because she was not about to give him her cell phone.  (He had tried to throw it during a previous meltdown, so she wasn’t going to make THAT mistake again.)  Geez.  So I guess the only reason she was calling me at all, then, was to have me come and get him.  Then the teacher suggested bringing him to the office, and having me talk to him there on a regular phone.  FINALLY!  A compromise! 

I talked to Nathan for a while, and got him to calm down somewhat.  He told me right off that his stomach hurt, so I got the school to give him some kiddie Malox that I had previously sent to the school.  He also told me a mean kid had been knocking him down on the playground and running away (and he didn’t know who the kid was), and he was NOT going outside!  PERIOD!  I explained that this was not an option, since it is against the law (and unsafe) for the school to let him sit inside alone while everyone else went outside, and I assured him that I would tell the grownups at the school about the bully, and asked him to hang around by grownups at recess.  He accepted that.  Protected from the bully, medicine for the tummy ache: Problems All Solved.

So we conquered all of the obstacles that the school couldn’t seem to overcome.  And did it in 5 minutes or so.  I didn’t even do anything special or tricky.  Too bad the school couldn’t have done the same thing.  But that would take putting aside your anger at his defiance, and try some patience to find out what’s behind the opposition.  I guess that’s asking too much.

Nathan went to lunch, and then went outside like he was supposed to.  He got through the rest of the day without any further meltdowns, though he didn’t really do any work, either.  It pretty much takes all his energy not to get upset, when he’s that wrung out.  But he listens, and he still soaks up more education than you’d guess.  I doubt they realize that though.

I wish I knew how to help him. 

It’s Not Restraint, It’s Transport

Nathan’s day was very good until they began the math lesson in the afternoon. He had a quarter in class that the the teacher had asked him to put away. He was asked to put it away because he was banging it on the table during class. He took the quarter out again in the afternoon and was making noises with it. He had been asked four times to put the quarter
away before he was told if they heard it again it would be put on his teacher’s desk. He continued the behavior so they tried to take the quarter off the table. He snatched the quarter, crawled under the table, and grabbed the table leg.

He was again told to give up the quarter and he said it was his. He was told that there would be a consequence for his choices and told the teacher to go away.

He was then given the consequence of not being allowed to purchase popcorn on the next popcorn day. He then said he didn’t care. Then he pushed the table against the chair of another student that pinned that student between the tables. They were able to remove the student from the area, but he continued to push the table against the other table now
pinning the two remaining students. They then told him he had to leave the room. He was asked to follow them. He refused to walk with them. So they transported him to the office so he could collect himself. He calmed down and returned to class to collect his things to go to daycare.

He was not be able to purchase popcorn on popcorn day.

When I asked the teacher if by “transported him” they meant that they restrained, removed and secluded him, I was informed that grabbing him by the arms and forcefully dragging him from the room is not “restraint.” It is “transport,” and this is not restraint. Yeah, right. According to the State Board of Ed, it’s restraint all right.

As The School Turns

Yesterday was awful. Nathan had a meltdown. He hit a teacher and an aide, and was suspended today. The principal informed me that he is being suspended because the teacher feels “his behavior is not in the realm of his autism.” They believe he was deliberate in his actions, and therefore was not influenced by his autism.I have taken the first step to appeal.

Sorry for the short post, and the lack of detail. I’ve spent so much time on the computer doing research and contacting Easter Seals and going to the doctor, I’m just too exhausted and too frustrated to write much today. I’ll try to post more this weekend.

• Mood:depressed
• Music:Pink Floyd, Another Brick in the Wall

A Matter Of Discipline

Two meltdowns today. Two more instances of restraint. So far this semester, eight meltdowns, five restraints.

Nathan couldn’t tell me what had happened. He had gone blank. According to the teacher and the principal, when they asked him to do work, he flipped out.

I was asked about his medication, if we’ve made any changes. I hadn’t. I informed them that the doctors know all about what’s going on at school, and they don’t want to change anything at this time. I go back in a couple weeks for a follow up.

I was informed that the school doesn’t believe he has sensory issues. They told me that he was outside, and they monitored him, without him knowing that they were watching. Some kids touched him when they were playing soccer or something, and Nathan was fine with it. So they don’t believe he has sensory issues. (I guess the diagnosis of Sensory Modulation Disorder must be wrong then.) I opened my mouth to protest, and they rephrased it. They said they don’t believe the problems he’s having at school have anything to do with sensory issues or autism. (Does that mean they don’t believe he has autism either? Interesting, considering they were the ones who first diagnosed him. Doctors have backed up this diagnosis, too. I guess they must be wrong as well.) Oh no, he MAY have autism, but this isn’t what’s the problem. Hm, do tell.

They believe Nathan is manipulating them. They also believe that the big problem is that his homelife is not structured, and school is. I again was about to protest when they tried to backpedal, and soften it, saying home is not AS structured as school, in the same way that home is not as structured as work. Oh yes, that is so much better. According to them, Nathan can’t transition to school on Mondays because he can’t switch from the unstructured and undisciplined home life to this rigid, structured school with high expectations.

I figured my voice was not going to be heard, and I just shut up. How do you explain to someone who has never lived with autism? How do you discuss structure with someone who has no clue what structure really means? Do you really think our household (let alone our sanity) could function without structure?

And this is when they brought up discipline. Heh heh. Yeah. Of course, all of Nathan’s problems stem from the fact that we don’t have the necessary discipline. (Translation: Nathan is just a spoiled rotten brat and just needs a good swift kick in the pants.)

“What Nathan needs…,” (my favorite three words out of the mouth of a stranger), “is to have consequences for his actions.”

I informed the teacher and the principal that Nathan’s actions do indeed have consequences. He has had television and his video games taken away, and has to earn them back. We did that after his last major meltdown. (You can see, after two more meltdowns and two more restraints just how effective this is with him, but I digress. )

So after I’ve informed them that his actions do have consequences, I tell them that I don’t know what else to do, to improve this situation at school, and to avoid meltdowns. They keep looking at me to fix this situation. I don’t have these problems with him, so I don’t know how to resolve this. I ask if they have any suggestions. Ah, yes they do. They tell me that “consistency is the key,” and that I must stick to the punishment.

I guess I come across as a real pushover, huh?

(Ironically, they later told me that they don’t want me to completely eliminate ALL tv, because after all, there are some good educational programs on tv. So much for consistency, eh?)

I asked if the Autism Team gave them any suggestions. They told me they are doing everything the Autism Team suggested. (I wonder why I haven’t been shown the report from the Autism Team? I still have no idea what the Autism Team told them.)

I was at the school for about two hours. They insisted that I stick around and observe him while he is in class. I’m not sure if that was because they were afraid he would melt down again? (Not with me there!) Or maybe they hoped with me there that he would participate…? I don’t know what they wanted from that. But after two hours, all they could tell me is that they want me to discipline him, and to do so consistently.

They complained to me that Nathan is capable of doing the work. That he can and will crack down and throw himself into his studies. They think WE are shortchanging him by cutting down the amount of classwork he is given, and on the amount of homework he is expected to do. Hey, now wait a minute! I wanted a reasonable limit put on his homework, yes. I did NOT ask them to cut his homework in half. That was their idea. I got angry when they sent home 36 to 40 hours of homework a week! That’s a little different! I wanted a reasonable limit, period. The Autism Team recommended reducing his homework to less than the other kids. I just didn’t want to spend 40 hours a week at my job, then come home and spend 40 hours a week doing homework with my son! He couldn’t handle it, and neither could I. I don’t think that was unreasonable. Now they send home a worksheet, and tell him to do the even-numbered problems. I didn’t request that, they did.

Again I got a lecture about how he needs to learn coping skills, and not freak out every time there is some kind of change in his life. You know, if it were that easy, they wouldn’t call this a disability! They pointed out to me that he is halfway to becoming an adult, and needs to learn coping skills to function in this world. He has to learn to accept change and deal with transitions.

I’m so tired of all this. I’m tired of people throwing the blame on me because they don’t know how to work with or motivate my son. I’m tired of being told he’s not disciplined enough, when they have never even asked me about our discipline. I’m tired of them telling me his home life is not structured enough, when they have never inquired as to the structure in his life. I’m tired of them telling me he doesn’t want to learn, when he enjoys learning with me. I’m tired of them butting into his medical issues, as if they are qualified to make judgment calls in this area. And I’m tired of them telling me he doesn’t have sensory issues, or that he isn’t autistic. Just because he looks NT, doesn’t mean he is NT.

I’ve thought about trying another school. But what difference would that make? He’s had different teachers, different principals, different paras. It all comes down to the same thing. Why should changing schools change anything? The only thing I know that has made a difference for him is when I quit my job and stayed home. I don’t know why, but he did better in school then. I would do it again, but financially this is out of the question. We simply can’t afford to live on one salary.

I don’t know what to do. Nathan apparently turns into a completely different person at school. And I’m supposed to be able to resolve the issue, even though I’ve never seen this side of him. And it’s all my fault because I lack the necessary discipline, and my life must not be structured.

Did you ever feel like you’re the salt in the sugar bowl?

• Mood:ineffectual
• Music:Eric Clapton, Before You Accuse Me

I Hate Mondays

Nathan had another meltdown yesterday. Sounds like he never even made it to class. He got inside his locker, was growling, and wouldn’t come out. When he finally came out, he came out swinging (his backpack). They dragged him off to the Principal’s office (literally), and restrained him there.

In speaking with the principal, she said we must find a way to stop the Monday Meltdowns. I said that I thought this might have happened because they changed Nathan’s seating arrangements. (Now, they didn’t just switch things around and not tell him. He was well prepared for the change in advance, and they went to great pains to make sure Nathan was comfortable with it, and ended up sitting where he wanted to, and even put a boy at his table that is a friend of his. It should have gone smoothly, in theory.) But perhaps we didn’t time the switch well. Mondays are always hard for him, and perhaps this was just a little too much to expect from him on a Monday…? Change is always difficult for him, plus the difficulty he has transitioning between home and school on Mondays, plus the early morning chaos that goes along with getting off the bus and the ringing of the bell and the push and shove of kids getting to class… Maybe it was too much for him to handle.

The principal responded that Nathan was just going to have to learn to deal with change. Change is a part of every day life, and he’ll just have to cope with it.

I was thinking to myself, if he could “deal with change” he wouldn’t have a disability, now would he? Sigh.

Later on, in talking to Nathan about why all this happened yesterday, he did tell me something interesting. He said that a boy was kicking him, after they got off the bus, while they were waiting to go into school.

Now this was interesting for a couple reasons. For one, no one told me anything about this, when they were talking about Nathan’s ‘unexplained’ meltdown. They knew – he told his para (aide) about it. Seems to me, if he’s getting picked on and kicked first thing in the morning, and immediately afterward crawls into a locker and won’t come out, that this could be, um, significant. Don’t ya think?

For two, what was he doing ‘waiting to go into school’? According to his IEP, he is supposed to go into school 10 to 15 minutes early, to avoid the mad dash of kids going into class, to avoid the noise and the hustle bustle, to avoid the pushing and shoving. It’s also supposed to give him time to adjust to being there, calmly, and help with the transition from home to school. He is supposed to meet with his para (aide) and go over his schedule, and be given the opportunity to ask any questions he might have about classwork or homework.

This apparently isn’t being done.

(Doesn’t anyone actually read the IEP anymore?)

• Mood:moody

• Music:The Bangles, Manic Monday

Two Meltdowns

Two meltdowns today.

I received a phone call today from the nurse. She said Nathan was okay, no meltdowns or anything, but he was complaining that his knee hurt after gym. They gave him Tylenol and sent him back to class.

A few hours later, I got an email from the case manager, telling me Nathan had a meltdown this morning. (I guess the nurse didn’t know about it.) There weren’t any details at all about what preceeded the melt, what caused it, how it was handled. It doesn’t sound like it lasted too long. No mention of restraining him, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t. I was told he complained of being hungry, thirsty and tired.

Yeah, I’m tired too.

Nathan told me he also got mad at the end of the day, when they didn’t give him the promised reward of coloring. My guess is that he didn’t earn the reward. Not if he had a meltdown earlier. I don’t know that for certain, but it makes sense. The school didn’t tell me about that one.

This is getting so depressing.

• Mood:crushed
• Music:Jim Croce, I Got A Name

Friday Melt

Friday was a mix of good and bad.

First the bad. Nathan melted down again. He complained all day about how he wanted to go home, didn’t want to do the work. Somewhere along the line, he blew up, and began tossing chairs again.

The good news is, this time they were able to talk him out of the room! They didn’t have to drag him out, he left on his own. They were also able to calm him down once he was out. NO RESTRAINT!! YAY!

Maybe if they can continue to avoid the restraint, he might be a little more willing to be in school.

It sure would be nice not to be afraid for his safety every frigging minute.

• Mood:gloomy
• Music:Todd Rundgren, Bang on the Drum